her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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