so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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