So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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