Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
