He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
