whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
