The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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