we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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