I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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