I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
