My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
my liver is dry heaving
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
