I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
