We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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