I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
