I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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