I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
