He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
