just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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