The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
