hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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