Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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