some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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