i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
