Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
