I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
