what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
