I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
