I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
