Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We are two peas in an std pod
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
