Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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