My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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