Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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