My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
