a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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