y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
