I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
