can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
