I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important