I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
