i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"