Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.