Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
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How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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