Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill