I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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