A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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