I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goatâ€
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