I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize