I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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