I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
