the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
