Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
