A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
