Please, let me fuck your mom
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Oh god it's open bar.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
