We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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