the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
