i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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