Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
