the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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